Waiting to Inhale (Because somebody asked)
When I was a child, macaroni and cheese was a product that combined cooked elbow macaroni, milk, butter and a strange gritty powdered substance that was referred to as a “cheese sauce mix”. The combining of these ingredients resulted in a passable concoction that was basically gritty cheese flavored noodles. Well, times have changed, and now there is a much better choice called the “Macaroni & Cheese Deluxe”. Trust me, it is a definite step up in both preparation and consumption of the product, and there are even different flavored versions you can purchase. A veritable smorgasbord of noodle delights.
There is however a darker side to these products.
Most who know me, know of my passion for Jalapenos in general, so naturally when I spied a mac & cheese deluxe with real Jalapeno in it's flavor mix packet I just had to have it!
Now, to give the manufacturer of this product some credit, they did label several warnings on the package, namely referring to not rinsing the cooked noodles and to not overcook the pasta. I maintain they could have gone a bit further with the warning labels. But, I am getting ahead of myself.
It all started innocently enough, I cooked the noodles per the instructions on the package and deviating slightly from the steps as laid forth by the manufacturer, I decided to add the flavor packet to the noodles before the cheese. Don't you hate when those little packets of, whatever, in these meals does not have the little starter cut in them? Just a solid seal all the way around? Looking back, a saner person probably would have gotten a knife or a pair of scissors to open the packet, but the one thing I have never been accused of, was being a sane person.
Grasping the packet in my hands, I attempt to tear open the sealed packet, to no avail. Getting slightly frustrated (my noodles were quickly cooling off), I get a firmer grip and wrench violently on the packet. I am rewarded with the packet tearing roughly in half and a small, dusty cloud of flavor mix engulfing my head. Slightly enraged, and in preparation of a scathing string of curses, I perform the second worse action I could have possibly performed, I inhaled...deeply.
Flames roar down my trachea, setting my lungs on fire. My eyes and nasal cavities release a torrent of their respective fluids to combat the inferno rising up from my sternum. Blinded, in pain and with my lungs trying to crawl up my throat and strangle the diabolical brain that has unleashed this hellish nightmare upon them, I wipe at my eyes in an attempt to clear my vision. With. My. Jalapeno. Dusted. Hands. In case you were paying attention, and I mentioned that inhaling was the second worse action I could have performed, well, this was the WORST action I could have possibly performed. The pain is tremendous! I can only describe it as being maced in the face, without the possibly of sweet oblivion promised by being also tasered into unconsciousness.
Lasers shoot out of my eyes, cutting a swath of destruction across the counter top and the cabinets, or at least that is the general impression I have after looking at the kitchen. In addition, there is now Jalapeno dust burning pits into the skin of my face. In my mind's eye, I looked like the horrible love child of Cyclops of the X-Men and Godzilla, flames shooting from my jaws and lasers from my eyes, I stomp around a Tokyo-ish kitchen roaring in pain.
I stumbled about the kitchen, my brain desperately, and sincerely apologizing to my nasal passages and lungs, while screaming frantic instructions to the rest of my body. Suddenly one of the archive nodes of my brain informs the Central Processing Center, that the capsaicin that causes the heat of a Jalapeno is an acid, and salt is a base. A base will neutralize an acid! My brain seizes upon this possible salvation and formulates a hasty plan of action. I lurch and stagger across the kitchen, towards the sink. Amidst the shadowy Tokyo City landscape of my mind's eye, amid the sounds of tiny voices crying out in terror and the occasional “Godzilla!” I reach the sink, seize a nearby bowl, quickly fill it with warm water and dump a shaker of salt into it. I splash this mixture across my face and eyes.
The stinging of the saltwater mixture was as a soothing balm to my acid scorched face and eyes. A vigorous routine of coughing and hacking, along with the copious use of a neti pot, help alleviate most of the respiratory havoc afflicted upon my body. My lungs have refrained from their homicidal threats upon my brain, but I feel there is going to be a great deal of resentment between the two and the kitchen can use a good cleaning. I will get right to that as soon as the shaking and twitching subsides.
All in all, an experience worth sharing, but not repeating. I suppose the noodles taste as they are supposed to, not too sure that my brain is registering my taste buds correctly, nor may they for some time to come.
Edit
When I was a child, macaroni and cheese was a product that combined cooked elbow macaroni, milk, butter and a strange gritty powdered substance that was referred to as a “cheese sauce mix”. The combining of these ingredients resulted in a passable concoction that was basically gritty cheese flavored noodles. Well, times have changed, and now there is a much better choice called the “Macaroni & Cheese Deluxe”. Trust me, it is a definite step up in both preparation and consumption of the product, and there are even different flavored versions you can purchase. A veritable smorgasbord of noodle delights.
There is however a darker side to these products.
Most who know me, know of my passion for Jalapenos in general, so naturally when I spied a mac & cheese deluxe with real Jalapeno in it's flavor mix packet I just had to have it!
Now, to give the manufacturer of this product some credit, they did label several warnings on the package, namely referring to not rinsing the cooked noodles and to not overcook the pasta. I maintain they could have gone a bit further with the warning labels. But, I am getting ahead of myself.
It all started innocently enough, I cooked the noodles per the instructions on the package and deviating slightly from the steps as laid forth by the manufacturer, I decided to add the flavor packet to the noodles before the cheese. Don't you hate when those little packets of, whatever, in these meals does not have the little starter cut in them? Just a solid seal all the way around? Looking back, a saner person probably would have gotten a knife or a pair of scissors to open the packet, but the one thing I have never been accused of, was being a sane person.
Grasping the packet in my hands, I attempt to tear open the sealed packet, to no avail. Getting slightly frustrated (my noodles were quickly cooling off), I get a firmer grip and wrench violently on the packet. I am rewarded with the packet tearing roughly in half and a small, dusty cloud of flavor mix engulfing my head. Slightly enraged, and in preparation of a scathing string of curses, I perform the second worse action I could have possibly performed, I inhaled...deeply.
Flames roar down my trachea, setting my lungs on fire. My eyes and nasal cavities release a torrent of their respective fluids to combat the inferno rising up from my sternum. Blinded, in pain and with my lungs trying to crawl up my throat and strangle the diabolical brain that has unleashed this hellish nightmare upon them, I wipe at my eyes in an attempt to clear my vision. With. My. Jalapeno. Dusted. Hands. In case you were paying attention, and I mentioned that inhaling was the second worse action I could have performed, well, this was the WORST action I could have possibly performed. The pain is tremendous! I can only describe it as being maced in the face, without the possibly of sweet oblivion promised by being also tasered into unconsciousness.
Lasers shoot out of my eyes, cutting a swath of destruction across the counter top and the cabinets, or at least that is the general impression I have after looking at the kitchen. In addition, there is now Jalapeno dust burning pits into the skin of my face. In my mind's eye, I looked like the horrible love child of Cyclops of the X-Men and Godzilla, flames shooting from my jaws and lasers from my eyes, I stomp around a Tokyo-ish kitchen roaring in pain.
I stumbled about the kitchen, my brain desperately, and sincerely apologizing to my nasal passages and lungs, while screaming frantic instructions to the rest of my body. Suddenly one of the archive nodes of my brain informs the Central Processing Center, that the capsaicin that causes the heat of a Jalapeno is an acid, and salt is a base. A base will neutralize an acid! My brain seizes upon this possible salvation and formulates a hasty plan of action. I lurch and stagger across the kitchen, towards the sink. Amidst the shadowy Tokyo City landscape of my mind's eye, amid the sounds of tiny voices crying out in terror and the occasional “Godzilla!” I reach the sink, seize a nearby bowl, quickly fill it with warm water and dump a shaker of salt into it. I splash this mixture across my face and eyes.
The stinging of the saltwater mixture was as a soothing balm to my acid scorched face and eyes. A vigorous routine of coughing and hacking, along with the copious use of a neti pot, help alleviate most of the respiratory havoc afflicted upon my body. My lungs have refrained from their homicidal threats upon my brain, but I feel there is going to be a great deal of resentment between the two and the kitchen can use a good cleaning. I will get right to that as soon as the shaking and twitching subsides.
All in all, an experience worth sharing, but not repeating. I suppose the noodles taste as they are supposed to, not too sure that my brain is registering my taste buds correctly, nor may they for some time to come.
Edit
