Got drunk and made a poll

[Designated Drunk]

In a previous poll, 'Charmin Sensitive' narrowly beat out the 1995 Volkswagon Golf. I wondered if perhaps this specific product variation might have skewed the results over what a standard roll would have rated. So in the interest of science, let us consider the other alternatives.

Note the subtle differences in the available options....

• Charmin Ultra Soft is 'irresistibly soft and absorbent', as though Charmin expects it to double as a bath towel. Though if you really have a hankering for prunes, TP like a bath towel may be right up your alley. Er, metaphorically speaking.
• Charmin Ultra Strong was recently voted a Better Homes and Gardens 'best new product' of 2014. It also features the 'DuraClean texture', which I'm sure their engineering team worked very hard on and is what cinched their yearly bonuses.
• Charmin Basic has 'great everyday price', not like those hoity-toity offerings that require you to have a monocle and top hat before you can wipe your ass with them. It also touts "Holds up!" on the label, which let's be honest here, is really something that should be considered a standard feature when you're shopping for toilet paper, not unlike advertising that the new Ford Focus is equipped with a steering wheel.
• Charmin Sensitive is the only bumwipe to be infused with the power of Aloe and vitamin E. I guess that means it's good for your skin or something, but to be honest, I don't expect many to be fishing for compliments on their inter-cheek complexion. But hey, maybe you can think of it as like a day spa for your ringpiece.
  
• Charmin Freshmates are sort of an oddball, and I'm not sure if I should really have them listed here, as they seem to be sold not as a standalone product, but as an accessory. They're the after-action sidekick to the paper itself, but like many superhero sidekicks, perhaps Freshmates thinks it may be time to try fighting crime solo.

So, which of these fine selections will you be daydreaming about the next time you're fashioning a grunt sculpture?

 

[BluChew]

That post had me and the wife in tears... and yes we have Freshmates as an accessory... +100MIL Interweb points

 

[chrizz]

i lost it at 'DuraClean feature' :D

 

[Designated Drunk]

Thanks. I decided to join TEST because you guys make me laugh - hopefully I can return the favor once in a while, even if it is simple potty humor. (tee hee - I said 'potty'...)

 

[Shive]

I have no idea what this is, I just voted

 

[Designated Drunk]

I have no idea what this is, I just voted

Much like my other poll, this was pretty much pure nonsense brought on by intoxication.

 

[Designated Drunk]

Breaking news of relevancy:

 

[Scarthian]

Charmin Sensitive is my choice of bum tingling goodness. I mean I figure it puts it has put in a lot of work for me over the years so it deserves to be treated well. For any other peasants who come by if they got the nerve to try taking a dump they get that dollar store 25 cent recycled certified ass tearing sandpaper.

 

[Designated Drunk]

it has put in a lot of work for me over the years so it deserves to be treated well.

Now that's a noble statement. Before now, I never considered ye olde turdcutter in that respect. Upon reflection, the brown starfish is really my most trusted employee. He keepest my nether regions closed when there are womenfolk about. Verily, he does due diligence in times of great distress (when it's 1AM and my only available meal is Taco Bell). Noble sphincter, I shall endeavour to take greater care of you, my loyal friend.

So, to you, my TEST brothers and sisters... My vow to all of you is that I shall make my next purchase of bathroom tissue... None other than...

Yep. Gotta give the 'windward passage' some love. And if the checkout girl gives me a skew-eyed glance as she scans the UPC code on this finest of paper products, I shall remain stoic in the knowledge that my stink tube will get the gentle cleansing power that it so richly deserves.

 

[CaptSpackle]

Gotta be dat Ultra Strong. Don't want anything breaking up while in orbit of uranus. Just leads to extra time spent cleaning up 'space junk'

 

[BluChew]

Gotta be dat Ultra Strong. Don't want anything breaking up while in orbit of uranus. Just leads to extra time spent cleaning up 'space junk'

Indeed, especially when a "never-ending wipe" situation presents itself; easily remedied with wet wipes. ;);)

 

[CaptSpackle]

Indeed, especially when a "never-ending wipe" situation presents itself; easily remedied with wet wipes. ;);)

SATAN'S SHARPIE

 

[o-BHG-o]

I only use IZAL

 

[Designated Drunk]

I only use IZAL

It looks like there are actual chunks of wood in the toilet paper itself - I bet it has excellent scrubbing power...

 

[Vapsyvox]

It looks like there are actual chunks of wood in the toilet paper itself - I bet it has excellent scrubbing power...

I think it might just be a wood log wrapped in paper.

 

[Miette]

*Shakes her head*
...Cottonelle

 

[Designated Drunk]

I completed the 'Charmin Sensitive Challenge' some time back and wanted to follow up with a quick review. Holy cow, Scarthian was right - Charmin Sensitive is the shit! (so to speak) It's not like wiping with it gives a minty fresh sensation in the old Marianas Trench or anything, but I will say that any, uh, 'persistent irritation' issues were eliminated while using this product. Seriously, no more waking up in the middle of the night with the 'itch that shall not be named'. Wiping is always pleasant with Charmin Sensitive - I switched back to the cheapo store brand crap, and my next 'session' after consuming a full rack of ribs doused in BBQ sauce was painful (let's be honest, it takes a lot of passes with the TP after a feast like that), and I found myself wishing aloud for a roll of CS to soothe the burn.

While it is miraculous for the intended purpose, it does not make for as good of a 'utility roll' - you know, removing smudges from sunglasses, cleaning up errant soda spills, wiping up effluent after some 'alone time', etc. It simply isn't as absorbent as the other variants, which may weigh in to your decision regarding whether it is the optimum 'first wave' when dealing with a bout of food poisoning, for example. Still, I consider that a minor drawback - I'd much rather simply have to use more material than wonder if I'm angering my 'roids to the point that they could easily be the primary archvillian in a superhero comic storyline.

 

[Pirate-Haz]

Freshmates FTW.. Cause you never know whose nose will get near your cinnamon bun, always be prepared.

 

[Droc]

Costco brand.
I need alot, and fingers puncture it much less during heavy wiping....nothing worse than cleaning your fingernails after every shit.

 

[Vapsyvox]

Costco brand.
I need alot, and fingers puncture it much less during heavy wiping....nothing worse than cleaning your fingernails after every shit.