Ark Diary 1: Alone on the Ark (... but not for long)


Space Marshal
Jan 22, 2014
RSI Handle
Ah, the Ark. I just can't seem to stay away. It's like LOST ... "We have to go BACK ..."

I arrive on the Island at night. Naked, cold, hungry. This is not a hospitable place, but still I marvel at its beauty. The majesty of the obelisks, the smell of the jungle, the sound of the birds. Wait ... birds ...?

Of course, there are no birds on the island. Just their vicious, relentless ancestors who welcome me back home with the gentle reminder that you are never safe on the island. NEVER SAFE.

I awake again, greeted by the sinking moon. Seeming to shine only on me, I hear it's message. "It will soon be morning. You will be safer in the light."

Lying bastard.

After another undocumented attempt at failing to locate shelter, I finally gather enough resources to arm myself with a simple spear. At least this time, I won't go down without a fight! And it is with this spear that I ascend the first link of the food chain, and lay waste to some helpless Dodos. But I soon realize that the island is too lonely a place. It is, after all, almost Valentines day, and maybe I should find a companion. I want to work up the courage to ask our glorious leader, Montoya, to join my humble tribe. But then I realize, why ask ... when I can FORCE HIM TO JOIN ME.

Ladies and Gentlemen , meet Montoya:

Yes, he is a she. I quickly find her a mate to boost her morale.

Montoya and Nipples go together like peanut butter and jelly. Love is in the air. It's starting to feel like Valentines day!

I'm soon reminded that Valentines Day was really a massacre ...

I leave the pair of Dodos at my makeshift thatch structure, barely a floor with 3 walls, and begin to collect some more resources, when suddenly ...

Attacked! I was attacked by a pair of Dilos. I dispatched them easily, but during the skirmish, I must have clipped a Trike. The Trike was not happy, and turned me into a human kabob. I try not to get discouraged. That's just how shit rolls down at the Ark.

Thankfully, I am restored to life not far from where the "incident" occurred. But I can't seem to find my backpack with all of my dropped belongings. I swear I know exactly where I died, it shouldn't be too far. I am stubborn and persistent, even though nothing I lost was irreplacable. It's more a matter of principal at this point. But then, I see something that makes my heart sink ...

"Montoya was killed by a Raptor"


I sprint back to base to find two raptors chasing Nipples. But, look! A brave Stego has joined the fight! The raptors turn their attention to her.

"NIPPLES!", I cry out. "FOLLOW ME! OVER HERE!!!"

Nipples, however, doesn't hear me. He is clouded by rage at the loss of his mate. He charges in at the raptors, feeling the odds are now even with the Stego on his side.

She didn't even see him. Nipples goes flying towards the sea.

I watch helplessly as the Stego finishes off the raptors. She shortly wanders off, and I begin the grim task of tending the dead.

I flay both raptors for their meat and hide. At least I shouldn't go hungry tonight.

Montoya ...

You brought me such joy in our short time together. Your death was a stern reminder that you should have been set to Passive. You died defending your home, and I salute you.

Nipples ...

You brave soul. You meant the world to us, and I swear once I have enough Obsidian, I will erect a monument in your honor.

As I wipe the last tear from my eyes, a small, speckled-white object catches my attention. At first, it blends in with the surrounding rocks, but as I approach I realize what it is. My heart floods with hope and joy. It's an egg! Dropped by Montoya! You horny little devil you!

Sadly, Nipples must have been shooting blanks. The egg is not fertilized. Their line is finished.

I consume the egg, allowing Montoya's presence to flow through me. I hear a strangely accented voice in the wind. It's barely a whisper, but I hear "There ... is another ... Mon...toy..aaaa...".

I harden my heart, and check on the Stego. She didn't mean to kill Nipples, she was only trying to help. I thank her, and settle for the night.

Waking at first dawn, following pure instinct, I happen upon a strong male Dodo. I relieve him of consciousness, and feed him a steady stream of narcoberries. When he comes to, he gives me a knowing glance. His eyes are determined, his wings steady. "I", he says "have returned."

Montoya the Second marches behind me, and follows me back to my now completed hut. It is only made of thatch, but it should see us through the night. I just need him to follow me in, and close the door.

Montoya the Second, the door is this way.

Montoya ... I can show you the door, but you must walk through it.

*Sigh* ... close enough.

I now must rest. Hopefully, we will both survive the night.
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