Dear TESTies
well, after some days off I'm feeling better, sorted things out for myself and am now coming back to you. Although, I have to clarify something of which I thought over for hours during the last two, three weeks:
When I started to register myself to RSI, I tried my common male handles which I've used since my first years of gaming. None of it worked aka were not available. In a frustrated mood I thought something like "take
this, you damn program" and typed the callsign of my favorite astronaut: AstroSamantha. And it worked, was available. I stopped short;
hesitated;
thought;
thought it over again;
and again.
And finally I said to myself: "Why not? Lets take the path into the rabbit hole".
If I would've known where I would get into, I'd gone away; far away.
So, from now on I wasn't "me" anymore. I was "AstroSamantha" or, as most of them StarCitizens from now on called me "Astro" or "Sam" or "lady". Calling me by
those names, that was quite okay. The other names which were given to me over the upcoming, next months, that was...frightening; alarming. To act like a woman was quite an interesting experience. There were lots and lots of very nice conversations which I would never have had as a guy, and I enjoyed it a lot. But there were also the ugly ones, rude; the ones which made me be ashamed being a "man".
Especially the last weeks I more and more asked myself: where is the point that men are posting every sexual related shit without thinking at least one second about that a woman could take that as an offence, feeling offended or aggrieved? Why men are thinking that they can lurk around a lady? ...for she probably is feeling like "yay, people are spying at me, that feels so good"...!? Really?? And why the hell there are men who think that they have the birth-given right to be rude; but don't have the guts to accept when I - as a woman - get rude in advance aka am not interested to be fucked by every guy who thinks that he is a big virtual number in virtual space? There were instances where a bunch of guys even bullied me - just for being a woman!
Experiences like those ones made me angry - and sad. And they ashamed me. I have to say to never made such experiences in my life before. Clearly, being a guy never before a guy asked me if I hadn't been fucked enough last night, calling me bitch or the like. So I had to learn (how) to handle words and sentences like those ones. It wasn't easy and it hurt. But I also grew during this experiment, especially my respect for women, sometimes treated as nothing more like...things.
That said, there were also very, very nice and wonderful moments, because there are not only the ugly bastard men in the verse. No, truth is, that most of them were very respectful and friendly and polite. More polite than ever a guy would be to another guy. As an example, never I will forget this moment where some shit-brained bitch-boy again was bullying and hunting me, trying to bring up other guys against me. But suddenly, a group of other pilots in this instance were hunting him instead! He got frustrated and began to push other ships from landing pads in PO. But finally, he had to leave the instance for his own good.
This was a very hearth warming experience which made me very happy. And yes, there are those virtual friends, who are always happy meeting me in space, flying around together with "me", AstroSamantha, defending me in my role as a female pilot.
But the last weeks it became too intense. The more I "transformed" into "AstroSamantha" the more I was kind of betraying those who trust me in who I am. This had to end. I had to make a decision. And this was a hard decision because - in some strange way - I somehow fell in love into this role, this new "me"; loved it too much. But I think, becoming aware of the before named points I suddenly recognized that it
has to end;
now! I had gone too deep into the rabbit hole and ran into danger not finding my way back again.
First I thought about to cut all ends, to let AstroSamantha die, creating a new "me". I thought over it for several nights. But finally I came to the conclusion that this would even be more betrayal to all those of you with whom I got in contact over the last months. So the only solution seemed to be: just to write down the truth; how it began, how it evolved - and how it ended.
Well, there it is; and if you read this wall of text until this line, I would like to thank you; just for reading.
I've learned a lot of things during the last months, especially becoming aware of the very dark side of some male...living things. Made this experience I would like to take the opportunity to ask you, whenever you become aware that a woman is bullied in the verse by some shitty guy, to break up your current mission and to hunt this bastard down. They are not worth it to have "fun" in the verse, especially when "fun" means to them to treat other players, especially women. Not because women are "weak", oh no. There are those who are having bigger guts than some male beings, who are the better pilots and who for sure are having a better behavior. But there is absolutely no reason - and absolutely no excuse! - for asking her about the sex last night, calling her "names" or lurking/stalking her! And we simply don't need those guys who are lack of respect; not in the verse, not in forums, not in real life!
And finally I would like to apologize to all of you who are knowing me as "AstroSamantha".
Its just "AstroSam". I would be very happy if you'd accept my apology.
Yours,
Sam
