My article on evgagaming.com PART 2 NOW!

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

I wouldnt normally ask for help but this is my first venture into writting. Evgagaming.com approved the article, but I want to improve and I need more views. These views heavilly help me with continueing my sponsorship. I would like to eventually make this a career with evga. So please visit the link below and give me criticism.

http://evgagaming.com/post/2015/09/29/diary-of-life-on-ark-day-one.aspx

Day 2: http://evgagaming.com/post/2015/10/08/my-diary-of-life-on-ark-day-two.aspx

 

[Montoya]

You have been holding back on us!

Writing on EVGA's gaming site?

Nice!

 

[DiamondDogActual]

will read later once their site is back up



Edit: pretty good, some punctuation is needed in some spots, but it relays the confusion and excitement of being in a strange and foreign land very well

 

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

You have been holding back on us!

Writing on EVGA's gaming site?

Nice!

It's my first time writing, and to be honest I see so many mistakes.... time to get Microsoft word, wordpad isn't cutting it. If I can get my writing and reveiws enough reviews and do they do well, I could maybe get out of military and have a stable life for my family. All about that stability nowadays.

 

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

will read later once their site is back up



Edit: pretty good, some punctuation is needed in some spots, but it relays the confusion and excitement of being in a strange and foreign land very well

Thanks! Right now the character is focused on the hopes of finding civilization. So writing everyday, is their way of staying in contact with that part of their world. You will start to notice a change subtly about the character. I took some queue's from Castaway and other real-world survivor journals.

Normally my writing goes: "Jump-monkey get on metal bird. Jump-monkey, jump from metal bird. Jump monkey hit ground, ground hard, me no like hit ground. Mountain-monkey shoot at jump-monkey, no like, jump-monkey shoot mountain-monkey. Stupid mountain-monkey he uses stupid Vodka/Oppressed-monkey gun, he also stupid. Jump-monkey find Freedom-monkey with many red water, jump-monkey put soft thing on freedom-monkey no more red water. Jump-monkey put freedom-monkey on new metal bird. Me hit pipes! Give jump-monkey more stripes?"

 

[Zull Reicher]

Pretty good! I enjoyed that.

 

[honcho12]

I dig it.

 

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

Pretty good! I enjoyed that.

I dig it.

Thanks you two! Any recommendations to make it better?

 

[honcho12]

Thanks you two! Any recommendations to make it better?

I would have mentioned grammar and the flow of it, but if you're shooting for realism in castaway journalism then I think it works pretty well.

Some stuff did feel a little clunky:
"some small reptilian bipedal lizard"
Seems like a lot of words to talk about something exciting and dangerous.

 

[Groundstain]

I like your story telling of what it is like to be there. How about going deeper inside your thoughts?
Creative writing is a very tough thing to do. Everything flows from the description of your situation... Feelings, sights, and visualizations of colors will draw the reader in. I am not saying to assault the senses. Just to remember someone else is vying for your article space.
(LOL, no pressure)
Find your voice and all will fall into place
Keep up the good work. :)

 

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

day 2 is up! http://evgagaming.com/post/2015/10/08/my-diary-of-life-on-ark-day-two.aspx

 

[DiamondDogActual]

this is getting exciting. I wish I could run ARK on my PC.

 

[honcho12]

Are you still looking for feedback? I've got some comments, but I don't want to be nitpicky if you're not looking for feedback.

 

[Star Pilgrim]

Wow, nice article man. :)

 

[Wolf Lord Caldersson]

Are you still looking for feedback? I've got some comments, but I don't want to be nitpicky if you're not looking for feedback.

Always. I am already on day 7 but can change things from 5 onward. 4 and 4 are locked and going to be published.

 

[honcho12]

"Rubbing them, I could not get the sensation of heat to dissipate from them" sounds a little clunky, I'm not sure if that's the castaway tone you're going for.

And later, when you mention the Dilophosaurus attacking again, you first just refer to it as a similar dino, but people who didn't read day 1 wouldn't know what you're referring to.

Other than that, I like it and I'm looking forward to more!