Dealing with Loss (serious/emotional thread)

[Lordgarrett99]

First i want to say I'm ok and at peace but vigilant, and I'm not here to make anyone cry or upset, i want to just vent a second, ask a question, and encourage some good reminders to my test family.

next i want to remind everyone of this thread: https://testsquadron.com/threads/depression-and-gaming.7873/

we are here for each other, we may be next to each other or thousands of miles away, it doesn't matter if you are up north like Alaska, Canada, or Russia, down south like Australia, South Africa, or Texas, or anywhere in this world. we stick together and keep a strong grip on our relationship as a family of gamers, parents, students, hard workers, smart thinkers, comedians, all from different backgrounds, states of mind and soul.

One may say that the hardest things human beings deal with is loss, the transition from one thing to another, change essentially...

It can be something small like an inanimate object, like a food item dropping or even your cellphone not working. or something irreplaceable, like a animal companion, a famous individual you adored, or the worst, a family member.

my burden right now is my aunt. she has pancreatic cancer, looks almost anorexic, but she is still alive, can walk and speaks with a soft but semi healthy voice. she was expected to leave us halfway through last year but she's still here. she is and always will be a second mom to my dad and a grandma to me.

but her time is little, an my heart has yet to absorb the fact that she will soon go. my mind is going constantly to trying to pass the time, the more i sit here and work on things like i normally would, the more i wonder, how do i deal with when she does go, and what happens next?

the thing i want to remind everyone of is that you have friends around you, including your test family, there will always be someone that cares enough to talk or help you through your struggles.

that's why I'm here, writing this, and reaching my arm out to ask for some peace of mind and support, i went to my aunt with my dad to help and support her and to support my dad, who I'm happy I'm helping, but i want to know my energy I'm giving is not just worth it for him, but worth it for good karma and a blessed future compared to these tough times.

thank you all or being by my side, you all deserve the best and I'm going to get through this

-Lordgarrett99

 

[Montoya]

Its great that she has this extra time, make the most of it and celebrate the life and love!

 

[Aramsolari]

My grandmother passed away from pancreatic cancer when I was in university.

Unfortunately I wasn't there when she passed and that gnawed on me for years.

Make the best of the time that you've been given with her. Celebrate your time together because you two deserve that time to be full of joy and love.

 

[Jolly_Green_Giant]

how do i deal with when she does go, and what happens next?

One day you're going to wake up and she's just not going to be here anymore.


Don't spend *all *of your time right now worrying about what's going to happen too far into the future. If you worry too much and stress yourself out, it takes away from you being able to enjoy your limited time with her. Trust me, you'll figure out how to deal when the day comes, we can offer support, but ultimately, you'll figure it out. I bet it won't be as bad as you're probably thinking it will be. Think happy thoughts.

 

[Lordgarrett99]

thank each and every one of you for sticking by me, and reminding me what i should do, spend as much time as i can with her.

One day you're going to wake up and she's just not going to be here anymore.


Don't spend *all *of your time right now worrying about what's going to happen too far into the future. If you worry too much and stress yourself out, it takes away from you being able to enjoy your limited time with her. Trust me, you'll figure out how to deal when the day comes, we can offer support, but ultimately, you'll figure it out. I bet it won't be as bad as you're probably thinking it will be. Think happy thoughts.

@Jolly_Green_Giant your comment was best said, god bless you and i will do my very best to think good, happy thoughts, as hard as it is. the future rewards endurance.

 

[Jolly_Green_Giant]

If you do however want to be proactive, here's some stuff put pretty bluntly. I live with my elderly aunt who is also like a mother to me. She checks the obituaries every day to see if her name is in there. She talks about how she has all of this stuff ready for when she dies so I might as well pass the info along.


Does she have a Do Not Resuscitate Order (DNR)? Thats for when the paramedics come, and if they don't have that original paper they will likely try to resuscitate her. Ask her about it.

[I'm not a lawyer], try to get her will straightened out and set her up with creating a trust so it stays out of probate court. I'm in the US, not sure how it works everywhere else.

Figure out her funeral arrangements, is she going to be buried or cremated? Who's paying for it and how much it will be.

When she passes make sure you get several death certificates from what I think will be your health department. A lot of places require originals when dealing with death certificates. Banks, utilities, subscription services, etc. I'm not sure sure what you might be inheriting but this stuff helps if you or sombody else is taking ownership of her estate.

 

[Vavrik]

Don't spend *all *of your time right now worrying about what's going to happen too far into the future. If you worry too much and stress yourself out, it takes away from you being able to enjoy your limited time with her. Trust me, you'll figure out how to deal when the day comes, we can offer support, but ultimately, you'll figure it out. I bet it won't be as bad as you're probably thinking it will be. Think happy thoughts.

This
This is actually really good advice. Ultimately we all need to learn to deal with the passing of a relative or close friend - and the only way I know of to do that is to experience it.

@Lordgarrett99, just know that the feelings you have are all part of prolonged grieving. Remember that there are others going through this too, it is never even anything close to easy, but it's important to do what you are doing - that is spending time with her and other family. There is comfort and support in that.

 

[Lordgarrett99]

If you do however want to be proactive, here's some stuff put pretty bluntly. I live with my elderly aunt who is also like a mother to me. She checks the obituaries every day to see if her name is in there. She talks about how she has all of this stuff ready for when she dies so I might as well pass the info along.


Does she have a Do Not Resuscitate Order (DNR)? Thats for when the paramedics come, and if they don't have that original paper they will likely try to resuscitate her. Ask her about it.

[I'm not a lawyer], try to get her will straightened out and set her up with creating a trust so it stays out of probate court. I'm in the US, not sure how it works everywhere else.

Figure out her funeral arrangements, is she going to be buried or cremated? Who's paying for it and how much it will be.

When she passes make sure you get several death certificates from what I think will be your health department. A lot of places require originals when dealing with death certificates. Banks, utilities, subscription services, etc. I'm not sure sure what you might be inheriting but this stuff helps if you or sombody else is taking ownership of her estate.

i will ask about these with my dad, as they are good points to bring up and be aware of. thank you

 

[NoizeMaker]

Don't spend *all *of your time right now worrying about what's going to happen too far into the future. If you worry too much and stress yourself out, it takes away from you being able to enjoy your limited time with her. Trust me, you'll figure out how to deal when the day comes, we can offer support, but ultimately, you'll figure it out. I bet it won't be as bad as you're probably thinking it will be. Think happy thoughts.

This has got to be the best damn advice I've seen regarding dealing with loss in a LONG time. Thank you for this.

 

[NaffNaffBobFace]

Some amazing advice given, I had to sleep on it and couldn't give better advice if I thought for a year and a day :-)

One thing that did occur to me when I woke up was this:

but her time is little, an my heart has yet to absorb the fact that she will soon go. my mind is going constantly to trying to pass the time, the more i sit here and work on things like i normally would, the more i wonder, how do i deal with when she does go, and what happens next?

I don't think your heart having not having absorbed the information your brain knows is strange because hearts don't really work that way, please don't be worried that the situation has not sunk in yet:

The heart is a feeling thing, and exists in the moment reacting to events that happen and unfold in front of it - like when you watch an exciting film or listen to a sad song or hear a scary news report - you feel it in your heart and it is very difficult to prepare the parts of you that feel for something the rest of you may know is coming. Can your finger feel the pain of a sharp pin before it touches it even if your brain knows the pin is there? Nope, if it could, we'd never feel hurt again! Like this the heart feels, it doesn't foresee. It isn't feeling sorrow yet because there is no sorrow to feel at this point. Your aunt is still here and still doing okay and way better than the doctors thought possible.

Your brain is an observing thing, and it sees something coming. It wants to warn the heart but where the heart can only react to what's happening, the brain exists on a time-line of potential events and uses those to avoid uncomfortable things like pain or situations it knows will cause pain. Where the brain can see a pin it can keep the finger away from it, if a brain can help it pain is only something which happens out of the blue without any warning... your brain can see your aunts passing on the horizon and wants to protect the heart of that pain because that is what brains were created to do - but it can't and I think this is why it is weighing on your mind so heavily.

Right now your heart is doing exactly what you to your credit are doing - being a pillar, staying strong, supportive, caring and helping out however you can. Your brain is, right now, is also doing exactly what it should be doing, but is in conflict because it knows something the heart can't know until it happens and it doesn't want that to happen but can't do anything about it.

What you are feeling right now is not strange, you are caring and supportive and helping - the fact you have reached out for advice from others here proves that and must have taken a whole lot of courage.

One thing I heard on a TV show many years ago that helps me in situations I can't control or stop like this, is the following phrase: "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf". Whether you become a surfer or are able to be a rock others can cling to while the waves crash around you is something your mind can prepare for you for, but your heart will still feel events as they unfold because that's how hearts work.

Please don't hesitate to reach out to vent or chat to us if you need to, this is something which is going to unfold and we are here to listen and lend advice where and how we can :-)

 

[CosmicTrader]

I lost my GF 3 years ago and still feel the loss and emptiness. I miss her very much every day but my life must go one as best as possible. She would not have wanted me to be sad but rather to remember all those wonderful, terrific and loving times we had together. This is want keeps me going.

As mentioned above , make the very best of your time left together; as much for her as for you.
My thoughts shall be with you both. Also, please permit me to include you both in my Prayers (can't hurt and may help).
You will never forget her but time does make it easier to cope.

 

[Skyre]

It's been more or less said here, though in more words, and more eloquently. We're all here if you need to blow off steam, or chat. And in the end, all you can do is take all of it one day at a time.