Depression and gaming

marctek

Grand Admiral
Sep 7, 2015
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Marctek
When I first joined TEST, this one if not the first places I posted. Since then I have had one hell of a ride in and transitioning out of the military. I've been home for about 7 months almost now, and I assumed things would get better for me. They didn't. I left the military with a 90% disability rating, 50% of that being for mental health alone. As far as the VA is concerned, in order to meet that criteria, your ability to function in society is limited to picking up trash and simple tasks. I wasn't discharged for mental health issues mind you, I was discharged due to Scoliosis and being unable to deploy. I was however damn good at my job and received the highest marks on my performance reports and wing level awards, just to give you a bit more detailed perspective. I was a highly functioning, competent individual. I won't get into the details, but over the last year I have had so much brain fog, an inability to focus (which I wasn't even aware of) and many other symptoms so to say. My last Appointment I had a mental breakdown. I was tired of trying my hardest every day just to function and had no logical explanation for it other than it must just be me and my weak mind. I'm not trying hard enough, I'm failing myself, why is life literally so hard???

I found out I have ADHD. The inattentive type. I thought about it as a possibility maybe once or twice in my lifetime, but that was it. When I think ADHD, I think hyper 7 year olds who are worse than a ferret on meth. I have yet to have my full eval yet and work on treatment, but as soon as my VA psychologist explained what was happening in my head, I suddenly had clarity for a literal lifetime of hardship. I've cried. I've stared into a mirror. I've yelled, and then cried some more. Sometimes its anger, sometimes its frustration, and others it's joy. It's highly genetic. My family, now all of a sudden makes sense to me. My mother who has been a drug addict all of her life, makes sense to me. It's so mind boggling and overwhelming but in such a good way. I assumed I had a rock solid mind and had my finger on everything. I was wrong.

I hope this helps all who reads it. It's definitely life changing for me. There's a light for everyone.
ADHD without the HD is a sneaky one. I was diagnosed with the same thing as an adult. I try to manage without meds but don't recommend it. Like you I never really noticed while in the military. Doc told me it gets more noticeable when you become less active. I hope getting the right treatment gets you back on your feet and moving forward. It is manageable, I work with another guy that is both ADHD and bipolar. We even car pool and share the same first name. It makes for a funny combination.

How has your experience been with the VA? I'm in the system for partial disability with my back but I don't use them regularly and keep thinking I want to. Deductibles for my insurance through work keep getting higher and harder to budget for each year.
 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
ADHD without the HD is a sneaky one. I was diagnosed with the same thing as an adult. I try to manage without meds but don't recommend it. Like you I never really noticed while in the military. Doc told me it gets more noticeable when you become less active. I hope getting the right treatment gets you back on your feet and moving forward. It is manageable, I work with another guy that is both ADHD and bipolar. We even car pool and share the same first name. It makes for a funny combination.

How has your experience been with the VA? I'm in the system for partial disability with my back but I don't use them regularly and keep thinking I want to. Deductibles for my insurance through work keep getting higher and harder to budget for each year.
It definitely comes at you when you become less active. Within a few months of being discharged is when I really had a problem with just about everything. My experience with the VA has been absolutely 100% the opposite of the horror stories I have been told. Pulling me off of a medication they had me on for 2.5 years and treating me for the root of the problem (turns out it wasn't ADHD but Bipolar type 2) my mind is returning back to a level of clarity I honestly can't remember having. The military only cared about getting me back to work, so when I suggested I might have ADHD I was told "you can't have that and be in the military". Thinking back on that, I realize how absurd that statement was coming from a health professional. It's even more absurd to find out the medication they put me on is contraindicated with Bipolar and actually makes it worse. To top that off, since I could never sleep right, and I truly mean never, they put me on ambien after all else failed. They kept telling me to stay on it to sleep for a total period of 5 years, because otherwise I couldn't function at my best. In the last months of my service a new psychologist told me "no one in their right mind would prescribe ambien to anyone for more than a month, tops." Not only did I have to suffer through a false diagnosis, I also had to suffer with spinal stenosis and 2 bulging discs (possibly more if my thorasic MRI comes back showing so) without proper care. You would think that would be impossible right? I did receive care, and lots of it, however when it came to the "standard of care" from under trained physicians assistants you end up being med boarded for neck problems, yet the MRI showing what was wrong didn't come until I started care at the VA. You see the stupidity in this all? For 5 years I had to fight 2 separate med boards to keep my career. Both times I had high recommendations from both of my commanders. The first one I convinced them to return me back to duty, the second one went above PCM's head. During my last annual review to come out of the med board process, my doctor told me I was fine, finally able to deploy and I would never have to worry about it again because they changed the policies for people on PT waivers. A week later the Med board office called and informed me I was being boarded out due to decisions that came from above my PCM.

Sorry for the long winded rant, but I'm just now starting to feel better after now being properly diagnosed and treated. The VA has been a godsend to me. Mind you, I have to press them, constantly make calls to ENSURE I have appointments that maybe my nurse was supposed to schedule, or really press for tests I know I need (the MRI's and both a psychologist and psychiatrist). My appointments are always scheduled within a week or two and everyone I see gives me complete confidence in their abilities unlike some "docs" in the Air Force. The VA is there for you man. Use it. Make them work for you, because it's their job and they are more than happy to do so. I'm living off of disability at the moment, but it is driving me insane. I have this newfound energy for life now and I want to get back out there and change the world.
 
Feb 24, 2018
42
105
100
RSI Handle
Triebwerk
When I first joined TEST, this one if not the first places I posted. Since then I have had one hell of a ride in and transitioning out of the military. I've been home for about 7 months almost now, and I assumed things would get better for me. They didn't. I left the military with a 90% disability rating, 50% of that being for mental health alone. As far as the VA is concerned, in order to meet that criteria, your ability to function in society is limited to picking up trash and simple tasks. I wasn't discharged for mental health issues mind you, I was discharged due to Scoliosis and being unable to deploy. I was however damn good at my job and received the highest marks on my performance reports and wing level awards, just to give you a bit more detailed perspective. I was a highly functioning, competent individual. I won't get into the details, but over the last year I have had so much brain fog, an inability to focus (which I wasn't even aware of) and many other symptoms so to say. My last Appointment I had a mental breakdown. I was tired of trying my hardest every day just to function and had no logical explanation for it other than it must just be me and my weak mind. I'm not trying hard enough, I'm failing myself, why is life literally so hard???

I found out I have ADHD. The inattentive type. I thought about it as a possibility maybe once or twice in my lifetime, but that was it. When I think ADHD, I think hyper 7 year olds who are worse than a ferret on meth. I have yet to have my full eval yet and work on treatment, but as soon as my VA psychologist explained what was happening in my head, I suddenly had clarity for a literal lifetime of hardship. I've cried. I've stared into a mirror. I've yelled, and then cried some more. Sometimes its anger, sometimes its frustration, and others it's joy. It's highly genetic. My family, now all of a sudden makes sense to me. My mother who has been a drug addict all of her life, makes sense to me. It's so mind boggling and overwhelming but in such a good way. I assumed I had a rock solid mind and had my finger on everything. I was wrong.

I hope this helps all who reads it. It's definitely life changing for me. There's a light for everyone.
What kind of helped me was to travel and to draw. After been heavily beaten as a kid and bullied in my teens, I tried to funktion through my twenties (get a job and life). Didn't work out for me though.

After I became a backpacker/drifter and was basically homeless for some years, I got my brain together again, somehow. I still miss it though, to sleep under the open sky, somewhere in the woods or fields. It's something you can't imitate with camping. Of course it has his dark side, cause of people, wild animals (fucking wild hogs...) and the weather (rain is the worst).

A year ago, got a job over the summer, while I was on a farmstay. Somehow that let to another job and a roommate. Since last October, I've a flat on my own again and it's nice, not to have to move on, but to stay. Right now I'm drawing with pencil and I want to buy a Wacom or something like that. That one Lady I did farmstay with, studied Art and encouraged me to draw. Once you start, you just go on and on. It doesn't even have to be something specific. Next time you're sitting in front of your monitor, just grab a piece of paper and let go. It calms a lot and your brain can focus, without beeing smashed in half.
 
Last edited:
Nov 29, 2016
163
512
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RSI Handle
DorianSkyphire
I suffer from crippling depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have attempted suicide 3 times and successfully killed myself twice (I've come back more than Jesus!).

I get it. I REALLY do. My saving grace has been friends, getting my medication right, a little good luck, and video games. There are times I can't socialize. There are times I can't bear to watch tv or play games. Just go with it. Don't force it.

You're not alone.
 
Jun 25, 2016
540
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850
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Jolly_Green_Giant
I suffer from crippling depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have attempted suicide 3 times and successfully killed myself twice (I've come back more than Jesus!).

I get it. I REALLY do. My saving grace has been friends, getting my medication right, a little good luck, and video games. There are times I can't socialize. There are times I can't bear to watch tv or play games. Just go with it. Don't force it.

You're not alone.
Hey, I'm glad you're still here. Seriously. Thank you so much for sharing.

"Just go with it. Don't force it." is a great piece of advice. It may not make sense to everyone at first, but I get it now.
 
Jun 25, 2016
540
2,033
850
RSI Handle
Jolly_Green_Giant
What kind of helped me was to travel and to draw. After been heavily beaten as a kid and bullied in my teens, I tried to funktion through my twenties (get a job and life). Didn't work out for me though.

After I became a backpacker/drifter and was basically homeless for some years, I got my brain together again, somehow. I still miss it though, to sleep under the open sky, somewhere in the woods or fields. It's something you can't imitate with camping. Of course it has his dark side, cause of people, wild animals (fucking wild hogs...) and the weather (rain is the worst).

A year ago, got a job over the summer, while I was on a farmstay. Somehow that let to another job and a roommate. Since last October, I've a flat on my own again and it's nice, not to have to move on, but to stay. Right now I'm drawing with pencil and I want to buy a Wacom or something like that. That one Lady I did farmstay with, studied Art and encouraged me to draw. Once you start, you just go on and on. It doesn't even have to be something specific. Next time you're sitting in front of your monitor, just grab a piece of paper and let go. It calms a lot and your brain can focus, without beeing smashed in half.

Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you're beginning to find solace in your life and not let your past take charge. I have noticed when I can force myself to be creative everything else gets washed away and I can focus on the task at hand. When you are doing something that lets your mind run wild that isn't focusing on the negatives in your life, it can feel like a breath of fresh air. Although I do not wish to have your troubles my friend, I am a bit envious at the life experience you have and what you decided to do with the time given to you. I love hearing peoples stories because it helps put my own into perspective for myself.
 
Feb 24, 2018
42
105
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RSI Handle
Triebwerk
Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you're beginning to find solace in your life and not let your past take charge. I have noticed when I can force myself to be creative everything else gets washed away and I can focus on the task at hand. When you are doing something that lets your mind run wild that isn't focusing on the negatives in your life, it can feel like a breath of fresh air. Although I do not wish to have your troubles my friend, I am a bit envious at the life experience you have and what you decided to do with the time given to you. I love hearing peoples stories because it helps put my own into perspective for myself.
Don't be. It killed a lot of my creativity that I had, which I never gained back. I started drawing as a kid and was really gifted (for a 7-9 year old), but a toxic environment and a brutal home put an end to that (parents burned everything regulary, to punish me even further). Later I got involved with drugs and so on... It's not an excuse or anything, but it sets you back, compared to kids who can breath freely, without fear 24/7.

The good thing is, with the Internet I can teach myself through Youtube videos and research on DeviantArt. It may be not fast enough, to reach a certain level of skill in time, to make a career out of it, while I'm still young. But I've no problem with reaching my productive years with 60 or so.

What creative work d'you do?
 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
Jun 25, 2016
540
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Jolly_Green_Giant
Hey cool!! Canon or Nikon?
I started off with a canon 1Ds Mkii I bought used on ebay. Since then however I have upgraded to a Sony A7Rii. The autofocus is subpar, but that's okay by me. Most of my lenses are manual focus anyways :P . You should post links to your work if you have such a repository. I'd like to take a look see, and I'm sure a couple others here would like to as well.
 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
So you had to buy new lenses and all.

Yes and no. I picked up a metabones adapter that lets me use my canon glass on a sony E mount. Then I picked up some old soviet lenses and an adapter for those, and a couple native e mount Zeiss lenses. It's an expensive hobby but it was built over the years I was in the military. It helped me appreciate the things that were around me I normally would have never paid attention to.
 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
lol soviet lenses. Didn't know you could get something for those as well. Over ebay?
Ha, yeah. It's the cool thing about the A7 series, you can mount just about any 35mm lens to it with the right adapter, you get focus assist with them as well, so you see a red focal highlight wherever you have your plane of focus. The lenses I got were leica reproductions with odd characteristics I like. The below are images that might highlight these lenses if you can notice what I'm talking about.







 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
That last image is amazing Jolly.
Thanks Bam. It's at the battlements of Dover Castle. If you ever get a chance, go check it out if you haven't already. The history spans millennia. On the grounds you can find an anglo saxon church and a roman lighthouse right next to each other.
 
Feb 24, 2018
42
105
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RSI Handle
Triebwerk
Ha, yeah. It's the cool thing about the A7 series, you can mount just about any 35mm lens to it with the right adapter, you get focus assist with them as well, so you see a red focal highlight wherever you have your plane of focus. The lenses I got were leica reproductions with odd characteristics I like. The below are images that might highlight these lenses if you can notice what I'm talking about.







I get a 80's/early 90's vibe, looking at those. Love it!
 
Jun 25, 2016
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Jolly_Green_Giant
This brought me to tears. I can't begin to describe how haunting it feels to have someone speak as if they were inside my head. If you want a video on depression, this is it. I think trigger warnings are a dumb phrase used to mock people, but I feel this needs it. Be mindful of what you are walking into when you decide to watch this.

 
Likes: Blind Owl