Depression and gaming

Stormrage

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Apr 9, 2017
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Lemalin276
Is this inability to play games some kind of depression or how can one explain this strange behaviour (at least looking to myself, its strange)?
Personnally , it happened since a while now. But I want to play something that can fulfill me , something i can feel attached for. When not finding it , i don't have much hope for the next ones.
Knowing what's gonna happen doesn't help for single player games.
Multiplayer games doesn't give me anymore a "bond" which i can rely on to others players. Some kind of solidarity. Social fear and anxiety adds difficulty to find it , losing it leaves you empty , seeing that it will break makes me want to go back to the past where it was solid.

Sorry if you don't understand , i just can't find the right words to describe it
 

Egriz

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I want to give a big hug and shoutout to everybody in this thread. Depression is something a lot of people have dealt with, myself included. It's a bitch. Having no desire to do activities which would normally entice you...which then turns into more frustration for me and spirals downward. Been there for years. Being a part of TEST is one of the few times in my life I felt like I belong and have a purpose.

If anybody wants to get together for some gaming shenanigans, I am down to give it a go. I used to have a lot of fun with various multiplayer games, but that seems to have fizzled out with a lot of people. Steam is here, feel free to add me at any time: http://steamcommunity.com/id/egriz100/

I can always be reached here, on steam, or on discord. My PM doors are always open!
 

Stormrage

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I want to give a big hug and shoutout to everybody in this thread. Depression is something a lot of people have dealt with, myself included. It's a bitch. Having no desire to do activities which would normally entice you...which then turns into more frustration for me and spirals downward. Been there for years. Being a part of TEST is one of the few times in my life I felt like I belong and have a purpose.

If anybody wants to get together for some gaming shenanigans, I am down to give it a go. I used to have a lot of fun with various multiplayer games, but that seems to have fizzled out with a lot of people. Steam is here, feel free to add me at any time: http://steamcommunity.com/id/egriz100/

I can always be reached here, on steam, or on discord. My PM doors are always open!
Thank you for these kind words Egriz , i'll add you you on steam. We could do some games together :blush:
Depression is sure a b*tch , having to live with it everyday is hard , forgetting about it even just for a moment tends to ease the wounds.
It's a fight in which i can't see myself winning ...
 

Hadron Xon

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Jan 18, 2016
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Anxiety is very crippling and debilitating, Add depression and it becomes a psychological nightmare.Gaming provides an escape from the things that manifest these two disorders. Sadly in my experience it does nothing to fix them long term.Oddly enough the less i play the happier i am.

Maybe its because i am getting old or just to busy with school and family. I don't know. Gaming or not I do know I love being apart of this great community of people.Conversions like this one provide strength and guidance and the knowledge that we are not alone in our daily struggles.:v::slight_smile:
 

Stormrage

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Apr 9, 2017
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Anxiety is very crippling and debilitating, Add depression and it becomes a psychological nightmare.Gaming provides an escape from the things that manifest these two disorders.
I couldn't find better words to describe it. Gaming (in my pov) used to be like that , a wonderland where bad things were put aside and good things came to you. It's a lost feeling now, which i hope to find once more.
It might take time before anxiety disappears and that i feel at ease in this community , but being able to talk about it and not hide is a wonderful thing which makes me loves this community even more
 

Murderer

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rogesh

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Is this inability to play games some kind of depression or how can one explain this strange behaviour (at least looking to myself, its strange)?
[edit]...and to add this detail: to *know* of this mechanism, but nevertheless to be unable to shut down the PC and whatever-go-to-bed-or-watch-a-movie...
I personally know that escaping into the gaming world helps soothing the pain. On the other hand I could do so much more if I'd only shut down the pc. So no matter what I will do most often I feel bad of what I did. To make things worse I'm one of those people that can't make friends (introvert, anxiety and shy). I usually can't feel the "connection" to my friends. But good friends help with depression. I already descendet to that "I don't care anymore" part (lethargic). The best part? There is no reason why it is that way! I'm getting enough money, have a wonderful girlfriend, and a loving family. I know there are way worse fates but why do I feel so broken?
I feel like this will never change but I will never give up on life! Of that I'm sure
 

Bruttle

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Aug 20, 2016
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Bruttle
I love ted talks, but haven't seen this one. It was good. Thanks for pointing that one out.

For me, I share some of the situations with others here. I think one of the biggest issues between the public and the issues felt and dealt with by the individual is understanding. In the case of depression, there is a huge difference between what most people think it is and what it actually feels like. I admit I used to be one of the ignorant people.

I grew up in a large household and it was the typical american household of the time. My dad was the "man's man" as his father was before him. If you skinned a knuckle, you rubbed some dirt in it and kept going. If you stubbed your toe, you didn't cry about it. If it's broke, fix it. If it hurts, ignore it. We hunted. We fished. We worked on the car together. We fixed the house and even added to it together. My mom was the stereotypical housewife and loved her job. She cooked, cleaned, and handled the raising of all 6 of us kids. It was a happy home. Nothing really bad ever happened to me as a kid. I say this to set the stage. I have always felt like a normal and balanced guy. I still do to this day. However, my upbringing came with some misinformation.

Now my misunderstanding regarding depression, is pretty much everything that comprises depression. I would hear someone was "suffering from depression" and the image that came to mind was some over dramatic goth kid that had the personality of Eeyore from Winnie the poo. Either that, or some incredibly imbalanced person that really struggled through life. It was always something that I felt you didn't have to deal with if you were a strong person. Which is, sad to say, that I thought everyone with depression was a weak willed person.

Then I had a friend commit suicide. I never saw it coming. One day we were laughing and the very next she was gone. Then came the confusion. She was one of the strongest willed people I had met. Yet, she was "suffering from depression". My mind couldn't reconcile the contradiction. So I did what any person would do, I researched it. What I found completely changed what I thought about depression and the people who dealt with it.

What I found, was that I "suffered from depression". As I dug deeper, it turns out most everyone "suffers from depression". It has nothing to do with being weak, or fragile, or a lack of willpower. It has everything to do with being a normal person. I wanted to know even more and have been looking into it ever since. As I dug deeper into the field of psychology though, I found more and more discrepancies like my bias with depression. I found cognitive biases, addictions, alcoholism, dependency, and a massive, huge list of other "disorders" that people deal with.

What I have come to see (in a big picture sort of way), is that these issues are so common and prevalent that they are not necessarily an indication of a broken person. They are not symptoms of a person that "has issues". But rather, these are so common in some form or another, they are an indication of normalcy. If everyone has problems, it becomes a normal thing to have problems. There are varying degrees of course, some are far more severe than others.

I think the biggest issue with the way that I, and the rest of society has dealt with these things, is that our perception of these issues isolates the person actually dealing with those issues. Our collective perception is that the person "needs help" and that help needs to come from a professional in a private session. It certainly can't come from us. In fact, we just want to distance ourselves from that person that is perceived as "broken".

What we really need, is to understand. We need to educate ourselves. We need to know how to recognize issues not just in the people around us, but also in ourselves. We need to know how to live balanced lives. I'm not saying we all need to be psychologists. I'm not saying we need to constantly be aware of our friends level of depression. We don't need to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. We don't need to immediately check ourselves into AA, NA, OCA, DA, AAA, or any other A. We just need to know what we are looking at. It doesn't take long. You don't need to know everything, just a little bit. You can pick it up in far less time than you've put into SC research, that's for sure.

Human psychology is witchcraft to most people. We see it as a completely different field. However, it's really just the same thing as someone's physical health. Physical health and psychological health go hand in hand. If someone has the flu, we see the symptoms and know what to do. If we break a toe, we know to take pills to dull the pain. Psychological issues shouldn't be any different. If someone is feeling anti-social, we should know what to do (if we care about them). If we are feeling depressed, we should know what that feels like and what we need to do to feel better.

So, that was more writing than I had planned... Aurorias! 3.0, Yay!...

[/rant]
 

AstroSam

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Mar 8, 2016
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I'm not very good in writing wall of texts, my apologies. But being in a very stressful life situation since almost 20 years, and ever been a "fighter against all odds", I can only concur to what @Bruttle experienced: people suffering with depression are not weak persons. Its more like the opposite: they are fighting inner fights they can't win, yet pretend to be a "normal" person (as "normal" as the community defines what is "normal") living a "normal" life. But living this "normal" life isolates them/us even more. So, there is this "hull", the one me - and there is the "deep inside who noone knows but me"-me. This situation is dangerous, very dangerous, because one has to invest a huge amount of living energy, way more you can earn by sports, family, happy times - aside from that such depressed people often "unlearn" to "live" and the knowledge of "being happy".
Inevitably some day one will come to a point where the decision calls: will I put all my remaining strength together and try to get help - or...(whatever follows will be bad).
The thing is: you can't help such persons unless they are asking for it. And don't give suggestions or advice or anything else. The most precious thing you can do is: to listen. Perhaps to reflect minor notes here and there. Nothing more. Besides, a) if you are this listening person it makes you the biggest, most trustful friend and b) ...I just forgot what b) was while typing this text. But it was as important as a).

Looking to myself, I was always a career type of guy, always looking for bigger money, being successful - also in private. People who met me either thought of me as the biggest idiot around or loved my spirit and positive energy. When I first collapsed, five, six years ago, I couldn't understand it. I didn't *want* to know something of depression or "burn out". It took me years of suffering, medics and cost me a huge amount of health to get an understanding of...well, who I am; what is life; what is happiness. Perhaps at the end what is contendedness. This road back to myself is an ongoing process, and it won't be finished short-termed.

Well, anyway:
Whats it about playing games, computer games, when suffering with depression (perhaps even not be aware of it)? In my opinion computer games and social media is both, health and hell. Health because you can find distraction and positive emotions (by community or games itself). But: it can also boost your social isolation, tear you apart. Especially in a community, be it facebook, twitter or a "Corp" within Star Citizen or Star Citizen forums itself. Every single situation in which you, as a person who suffers depression, are experiencing answers or situations which you are interpretating against yourself, every situation in which you are rejected or something like that, could immediatly lead to an "ultimate MCA"; worst case. But at least, you have very negative emotions; such intense and deep; emotions which are having a "quality" which other "healthy" people could never empathize or even understand!

What can we do as a community? Almost nothing - and very much. Today, looking to the virtual social community, I notice "negative feedback" everywhere and all around. There is so much hate and virtual attacks, often on a personal basis, because such "haters" are using the anonymity of the internet for themselves, hurting other people by stating how dumb they are or worse. And tell you what: in my opinion such haters are doing that because *they* are feeling better then! What a pervert world we are living in... I would even go so far as to say that there are people who are indirect murderers (also in the psychological kind of way), but they even are not aware of that, as to say would deny that vehemently.
What can we do, every single one of us? It sounds more easy than it seems to be: be nice; please. Be friendly at every time, understandable, open-minded. Lend a sympathetic ear to those who are searching for it, be reflective or deliberative - and you have spent a very precious gift for every single one and for the whole community. Such as TEST is.
Cheers!
Astro

P.S.: hail Montoya! Ha :smile:
P.P.S.: took me almost 45 minutes writing this. Proves: after all I *can* write walls of text O_O :smile:
 
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Han Burgundy

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Jan 15, 2016
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I see depression as a fog with weight; condensation on your window to life. The world outside can be full of wonderful and exciting things, but you can’t see past the droplets that are clinging to the glass and you feel like you’re slowly drowning in them. The trick is to realize that you can squeegee that bitch, but it requires conscious effort; an act of will.

“But something will happen.” You say, “It will rain again tomorrow and my window will be re-wetted, so what is the point?” The point is that depression isn’t something that gets fixed and goes away. Managing it is a form of ongoing maintenance. What happens to the glass in a shower when you neglect to clean it? If the droplets are allowed to dry in place, they leave behind a residue; A scar that is even more opaque and difficult to see past than the original drop of water was. Build-up ensues, and the reality beyond the glass is even further distorted.

You gotta be your own squeegee, man. Life isn’t something that happens TO you, you aren’t intended to live as floating wreckage; pushed around at the wind’s whim. You are meant to sail those waters. Sad about an aspect of your life? Then force yourself to do something about it. With depression on your back, it can be a monumental task just to get out of bed in the morning. Do it anyways, then be proud of yourself for doing so. Tally your victories and mold your defeats into lessons learned the hard way. To err is to be human, but dwelling on it will rob you of your ability to truly participate in the full spectrum of what humanity has to offer.

To a severely depressed person, life can seem like a series of letdowns and disappointments, but it doesn’t have to be. Find reasons to smile every single day, no matter how small. Does a guy on the bus look a little like that old man from Toy Story 2? Allow yourself to chuckle about it. Want a surefire way to make yourself happy? Do something nice for someone ELSE. You’ll be surprised at just how valued you feel when you see that you are capable of making OTHERS happy, which naturally leads to the realization; “so why not me?” The loved ones around you can certainly be a benefit to you by doing nice things for you, but ultimately it’s YOU that has to do the work. You are the mental gymnast that must stick the landing.

You have to be willing to fight through the waves of “Why bother?” and “Why me?” that will crash over you as you’re first trying to retake control of your life and soon, if you can weather the storm, you’ll find yourself out in the open waters where YOU get to steer the ship; weather be damned! The wind will still push at you without your consent (That’s life. Shit happens.), but if you seize the wheel and learn to unfurl your sails, you’ll be able to go wherever the hell you want.
 

Han Burgundy

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You haven't read my post before posting this, have you @Han Burgundy ?
Such posts are meant in a good way, but most often fail to reach their goal.
Just sayin'...
Nevertheless I appreciate your intention and the content, which is for sure true.
But...
Different folks, different strokes. I wasn't replying to anyone in particular, and my post didnt have a "goal". I was simply sharing what I have found helpful for myself while dealing with my own rather severe struggle with it. I thought we were welcome to do that here? Please don't devalue my approach because it doesn't match yours. That's shitty of you. Especially with this particular subject.
 

AstroSam

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Hm, I think there is a misunderstanding based on the "issue" that I'm a non-native english speaker/writer.
I took your post as an expression of "what you have to do to not be depressed/to pull yourself out of the blackhole of depression".
And its those kind of "you only have to do this and that and then life is good again" is what does not reach named persons. Its like saying to an alcoholic: "You just have to stop drinking, man, and life is good again". It does not work this way; at least did not work out for me and those people to whom I talked to during the months in the clinics I've been in.
So, it was meant no offense, my apologies for that if I took those words in a wrong way. It was just a spontaneous reaction of my stomach based on how I took your post combined with my own feelings and experiences - which is then my failure because I interpreted it the wrong way. I'm sorry. Its a very difficult topic which best case is discussed and talk about vis-a-vis because writings can be took in a whole wrong way too fast.
 

Metal-Muffin

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Aug 28, 2015
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I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was young. To compound issues, my adopted mother (I was adopted at 3 months and don't know about my biological family) contracted HIV in a nursing accident and later died of complications of AIDS in the mid 90's. I was a teenager when we found out because mom and dad kept it from my brother, sister and I until she was hospitalized with pneumonia in 92. Three weeks later my dad told me that my sister, who was 9 at the time, was also HIV positive. At this time I was always being bullied in school because I was in "special ed" due to an ADD diagnosis when I was 4. Well, my dad was/is a doctor (Family Practice/GP) in the town we lived in, and due to the ignorance and misconceptions surrounding HIV at the time, he had opened up his medical records to his patients so they could see that he didn't have it. This lead to further bullying to me and my siblings in school that got to the point that I had decided I had had enough. I attempted to take my own life several times and then became a ward of the state and spent from 14 to 18 living in group homes. Things didn't get better, even on the fist-full of pills I was taking every day. That time was a blur, for no other reason that I was too heavily medicated to function. My last conversation with my mom was held over the phone, with her unable to talk because she was on a respirator. She died that night.

I didn't start gaming until I was into my 20's. I had stopped taking any medication when I had turned 18 and had "left the system", however was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I had gotten marries to an evil little troll, moved to New Orleans, and was in and out of jobs. My first multi-player experience was Delta Force II, and I played it religiously. It was my escape from my ex-wife and her terrible cats that seemed to multiply. the depression was still there, but I didn't think about it. I didn't have to move from my computer to go places and I could turn off the mic to not talk to people. All I needed was my mouse and keyboard, and the case of New Castle to get through the weekend. How ever it did not help the depression. It got to the point that I had lost a third or forth job and my x told me that she wanted to go out and find a job that I could keep. So, I joined the Army, just to be a smart-ass.

When I was Active Duty and Stationed in Germany, I fell into a group of friends that would throw LAN Parties and we would dedicate weekends to SOCOM online and modding Battlefield 1942. More gaming and more booze, however now I had exercise. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. the morning PT would help me feel happier throughout the day and more energetic, and I was able to 'see through the fog' so to speak. Fast forward to today. After that group I fell out of gaming and had recently gotten back into it about the time I found Star Citizen.

I'm weird. I'm socially awkward and I have a hard time talking to people, so I've never been into groups or guilds or orgs. A lot of time I feel left out of conversations even though I contribute to them, this group included; but that's me, not the people I'm trying to talk to. I joined this org because I see the potential for this game to be great with people; and being an alcoholic, I chose the group of fellow alcoholics. But even though I feel comfortable, I feel that gaming, with all of you, and finding a lot in common, doesn't help the depression. I've been sober since December, and I exercise to stay off of the meds. I have a son with Down Syndrom and a daughter and a wife and a dog and a house and I'm building a fricken spaceship cockpit because I'm a god damn weirdo that's always dreamed of flying a spaceship- but I still don't feel comfortable here. I still feel invisible (with the exception of a handful of people). It's my problem, not any of yours, but I guess I understand where the Anxiety comes from, but I also want you to understand why it's there.
 

Jolly_Green_Giant

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Jolly_Green_Giant
I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was young. To compound issues, my adopted mother (I was adopted at 3 months and don't know about my biological family) contracted HIV in a nursing accident and later died of complications of AIDS in the mid 90's. I was a teenager when we found out because mom and dad kept it from my brother, sister and I until she was hospitalized with pneumonia in 92. Three weeks later my dad told me that my sister, who was 9 at the time, was also HIV positive. At this time I was always being bullied in school because I was in "special ed" due to an ADD diagnosis when I was 4. Well, my dad was/is a doctor (Family Practice/GP) in the town we lived in, and due to the ignorance and misconceptions surrounding HIV at the time, he had opened up his medical records to his patients so they could see that he didn't have it. This lead to further bullying to me and my siblings in school that got to the point that I had decided I had had enough. I attempted to take my own life several times and then became a ward of the state and spent from 14 to 18 living in group homes. Things didn't get better, even on the fist-full of pills I was taking every day. That time was a blur, for no other reason that I was too heavily medicated to function. My last conversation with my mom was held over the phone, with her unable to talk because she was on a respirator. She died that night.

I didn't start gaming until I was into my 20's. I had stopped taking any medication when I had turned 18 and had "left the system", however was well on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I had gotten marries to an evil little troll, moved to New Orleans, and was in and out of jobs. My first multi-player experience was Delta Force II, and I played it religiously. It was my escape from my ex-wife and her terrible cats that seemed to multiply. the depression was still there, but I didn't think about it. I didn't have to move from my computer to go places and I could turn off the mic to not talk to people. All I needed was my mouse and keyboard, and the case of New Castle to get through the weekend. How ever it did not help the depression. It got to the point that I had lost a third or forth job and my x told me that she wanted to go out and find a job that I could keep. So, I joined the Army, just to be a smart-ass.

When I was Active Duty and Stationed in Germany, I fell into a group of friends that would throw LAN Parties and we would dedicate weekends to SOCOM online and modding Battlefield 1942. More gaming and more booze, however now I had exercise. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. the morning PT would help me feel happier throughout the day and more energetic, and I was able to 'see through the fog' so to speak. Fast forward to today. After that group I fell out of gaming and had recently gotten back into it about the time I found Star Citizen.

I'm weird. I'm socially awkward and I have a hard time talking to people, so I've never been into groups or guilds or orgs. A lot of time I feel left out of conversations even though I contribute to them, this group included; but that's me, not the people I'm trying to talk to. I joined this org because I see the potential for this game to be great with people; and being an alcoholic, I chose the group of fellow alcoholics. But even though I feel comfortable, I feel that gaming, with all of you, and finding a lot in common, doesn't help the depression. I've been sober since December, and I exercise to stay off of the meds. I have a son with Down Syndrom and a daughter and a wife and a dog and a house and I'm building a fricken spaceship cockpit because I'm a god damn weirdo that's always dreamed of flying a spaceship- but I still don't feel comfortable here. I still feel invisible (with the exception of a handful of people). It's my problem, not any of yours, but I guess I understand where the Anxiety comes from, but I also want you to understand why it's there.

I once told my life story to someone because I needed to vent once, thinking it would be the worst they have heard. After I finished, the guy looked at me with a smile like it was no big deal and said something along the lines of "fuck man, everyone in this place has a shitty story, but now we're here." I'm active duty AF so you know how open people can be with talking to each other. It's something as simple and as stupid as that, that made me think. Don't carry the weight of your past on your mind, the only one that really cares about it is you. As for changing how you feel now, or tomorrow, I can try to let you know you're not alone and do a completely unprofessional psychoanalysis on you.

From what I've read, you spend a lot of time in your head. It would explain why you stare at your monitor instead of playing games, and the ADD is kind of a sign. I have it, but never officially diagnosed because I was "functional". I have OCD, like not the TV omg i need to clean everything OCD, but hey I have obsessive thoughts OCD. You think so much and feel you have to make so many decisions your brain just shuts down.
Too bad you didn't get the chance to see a well trained mental health expert while you were in the Army, and if you did, I wish they could have helped you more.

I'm just now coming off of anti-depressants that ive been on for almost 2 years. When I went on them, I was 8 months post fiance leaving me after I PCS'd to England. Left all my friends, family, started a new stressful job in a foreign country, and had family issues back home as well. At that 8 month mark when i finally sought help, i wasnt showering, eating, or washing my clothes. The only time I ate was when i got away from work on a lunch break. The only time water touched my body was when I forced myself to shave every morning. I had a prescription for ambien i was taking every night, and i took it when i just got tired of existing, waiting for the next day to come so I could do it all over again. Ill be completely honest, looking back I don't see how I could have come out of that black hole without the proper medication. Some things just happen in our brains that we have no control over. Were all unique in our own way, but a lot of us don't suffer alone. The medication Im tappering off of right now, the one that helped me more than anything is called Effexor if you ever want to ask your doc about it. Its used to treat Major Depressive Disorder but it really helped with my OCD. If you take mirtazipine with it, they call it california rocket fuel because it has such a high probability of kicking your ass out of whatever depressive state youre in, but its pretty powerful. I could keep writing, but if you ever want to talk 1 on 1, please feel free. Come join the Discord server as you will usually find me and all of us other awesome TESTies in there as well. Cheers Jake.
 

mromutt

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Oct 14, 2014
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Been staring at the blinking cursor for what seems forever (probably only really been ten minutes) and could not think of anything to say. But one of those days/nights and I thought of this thread.

Side note, I am going to mod abuse this thread and sticky it because I think this thread is important.
 
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